So nevermind the darkness, we still can find a way. (Matt.5:14)

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Rain March 15, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — laughteriscontagious @ 10:15 pm

As the rain comes pouring down my face, it’s hard to tell whose tears are who’s.

Glory from above, weeping with me.

The tears of denial, hopelessness, and self pity drown me.

The storm calms, only to be interrupted by another burst of calamity.

Is it always gunna be this way?

Is this ocean always going to beat me against the walls of the harbor?

Where is the calm after the storm?

And when I feel so small in this strong, vast ocean, a hand reaches out to me and holds me dear.

As I start to hope and grasp true happiness, a tidal wave crashes over me and tugs at my dreams.

All my fears return, all the tears begin to drown me.

 .

“You’ve found me!” I scream, “You’ve found your broken-hearted work of art!”

“What are you to do with me now!? I’m broken and torn! I’m worthless! Give up.”

My head falls straight into my hands and I know I never really want Him to give up.

But these tears just won’t stop and these fears just won’t go away. They never do.

They’re always in the back of my mind, always lingering around some corner, waiting.

Waiting for the moment of inspiring clarity, just to completely fog it again.

That gross combination of  confusion and loss of all care.

The heartlessness of losing time and again.

.

But those clear moments are so wonderful, they’re almost worth it all.

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Losing My Way, All Over Again January 2, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — laughteriscontagious @ 12:21 pm

Oh my God please forgive me (father hear my prayer)
Cause I know I’ve done some wrong in this life
If I could do it all again
Have just one more chance
I’d take all those wrongs and make them right

Can anybody out there hear me?
Cause I can’t seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
Cause I can’t seem to see myself
There’s gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can’t seem to feel myself

Can anybody out there hear me?
Cause I can’t seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
Cause I can’t seem to see myself
There’s gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can’t seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?

           -Justin Timberlake

Healing comes in so many different forms, including the music of ex-pop stars.

 

Nothing worth having ever comes easy. December 10, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — laughteriscontagious @ 11:37 am
 The dawn is breaking
A light is shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you.
 
But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again.
 
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide.
 
I'm quiet you know,
you make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind.
 
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide.
 
Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind.
 
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide.
 
You finally find you and I collide.
You finally find you and I collide.
 

From ultimate togetherness to being completely alone… December 5, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — laughteriscontagious @ 6:37 pm

Even though it was my very well thought out decision to end the relationship, the feeling of being completely alone is still ringing so loudly in my ears. I guess the feeling I have now completes, full circle, my theories about the relationship. I thought that I held him to high and that I shouldn’t practically be married while being only 17. I had even gotten to the point where I turned to him instead of God. And now I’ve proved myself right.

 It’s scary that I had let myself care so much about one person that everything else meant so little to me. Now that I’m without him I see how lonely I really was all along. The friendships that had become so strong the last time him and I were apart, started to fade as soon as we got back together. And here I was back where I started, totally loving the feeling of being in love, and totally not being involved in anything else. When your thoughts begin to revolve around only one thing, and that thing is not God, it’s never healthy. I’m glad I figured that out, but here I am realizing that all that time that I spent trying to get closer and closer to that one person has left me without much else. The one person I always turned to isn’t there anymore, and I know that this all had to happen to make me better, but feeling alone, to be frank, completely sucks.

Now I have to actually face myself, and the worse thing is, I feel like I’m doing it alone. I have to face the person that hurt her friends by ditching them for him. Now I have to confront head on the girl who cared more about what guys thought about her and not enough about what her friends thought of her. I have to face the person that I never wanted to become. And it’s so scary and intimidating. You are your own worst critic, and I’ve beaten myself up so much and now it’s hard to be happy with me. It’s so hard now to see how much God loves me. Now is one of those times where I don’t feel like I even deserve God’s love, and I just wish there was a guy here to make everything better. I just need to accept that God loves me, every single piece of me, the good and the bad, and no guy is ever going to love me like God does. It’s just hard, knowing everything that I’ve done, to accept God’s love, pick up the pieces of my heart, and give them to him. I’m just hoping this limbo that I’m in will pass soon. I hope I learn to not care if a person likes me or not and only care if I’m doing God’s will. And in this ultimate feeling of alone, hope is all I am hanging on to.

 

Just wondering… September 24, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — laughteriscontagious @ 8:36 pm

How come Mr. Scott Thomas Gillingham didn’t comment on my post? He always tells me to comment on his…

 

A Little Something for English Class September 21, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — laughteriscontagious @ 12:20 am

At Christmas an old love died, with spring came new love, and the heat of summer renewed the old one. The story of a year.

            The couple had been together for almost two years and tensions were high. As they kissed, the heat of anger in their lips seemed to be the only thing holding them together. The tension had started in silence a few months prior, fights started but never finished, loose ends never tied up. The silence continued growing into a black void between them until one of them fell in and things exploded.

            The girl dialed the numbers slowly, timidly, as if one might bite her. It was Christmas time, a time of joy and celebration and here she was playing scrooge to little Timmy. The phone began ringing and she was jolted to life and the reality of her situation. The pauses of humming between pairs of rings were her last few breaths of serenity. “Hello, you said you needed to talk to me, what is it? Is something wrong?”

            She sat listening to this concerned voice, oh how he loved her.

            “Hey,” it was the only word she could manage to mumble. She enjoyed the few seconds of silence. Finally she decided to take the biggest leap of faith of her life. “We need to talk about us.”

            “What?” His voice was that mixture of depression, betrayal, disappointment, and blame.

            His side of the conversation no longer consisted of words. He now formed sentences of quick breaths, trembles, and sobs.

            As she hung up the phone she knew nothing would be the same. A piece of her puzzle was no missing, and the hole where his heart used to be now throbbed. It was over like the death of the frigid, leaf-less trees standing out side. My winter had begun.

            Winter passed slowly, coolly and finally spring began and a boy sprung up from the cold. This boy was different from the young man before him. This boy had a youthful joy about him that intrigued the girl.

            As the boy became more and more acquainted with the girl he began whispering sweet nothings into her ears. The spring turned into a rebirth of her more youthful days and she learned from the boy how to run wild and free. She learned from him how to live bright, shiny, and new everyday.

            The two coupled together like the eyes, nostrils, or ears of a newborn baby. Both seemed so innocent and pure now. Just a boy and a girl, blocking out the harsh abrasiveness of the world like a four-year-old blocking out the ramblings of those who say Santa doesn’t exist.

            She had found her youth in the bright eyes and smile of the boy. She had found the bounce in her step in the bounce of the curls on his head. But something was still missing, the missing space refused to conform to fit this puzzle piece. The girl was lost in a whirlwind of thought.

            She had had enough, enough of all of them. The whole gender began to frustrate her. Her thoughts on them had pushed her far enough. Anger coursed through her veins; around her arms, through her heart, up into her neck and head, and down through her foot and into her smallest toe.

            After all she had been through, after falling for another man all over again, she still wasn’t happy.

            “Why? Why? Why?” It was the constant pulse of her blood through her body.

            “Why? Why? Why?” It was the second hand on her watch.

            “Why? Why? Why?” It was the beating of her feet as the touched the sidewalk with each step she took.

            Everything screamed the same question at her until she exploded: “I still love him!”

            She screamed it at the top of her lungs as if the pressure had just been released from a volcano of pent-up emotion.

            Summer began and she returned to him, leaving the boy to his joyful youth, but knowing she still could confide in him when she lost sight of her child-ness.

            He took her back, now their conversations would have no tears but tears of joy. In silences the light flutter of butterflies inside their bellies would still be heard. The black void will become full again and these kisses will be nothing but tender, smooth lips will reach soft lips and join as one.

            Finally the couple’s questions had been answered. They did get back together. It had to happen to make them stronger. They had to make themselves happy before they could make each other happy. It all worked out perfectly, if only they had had faith.

            Christmas had brought the end, spring brought the rebirth in between, and summer was the renewal of out vows. What will the fall bring us, fate? You seem to have all the answers, which one is right for us?

           

 

I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you… July 31, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — laughteriscontagious @ 11:44 pm

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that’s far away
And when I’m done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don’t want you thinking I’m unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you
I’m no longer moved to drink strong whisky
‘Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter’s still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don’t want you thinking I don’t get asked to dinner
‘Cause I’m here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you

-Colin Hay 

Goodnight my Prince Charming…